I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
