I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
