i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
