This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
