Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
