She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
