i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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