Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
