Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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