i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
