I think I died a long time ago.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
