Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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