"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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