yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
