He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
