Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
