Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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