I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
