awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
