Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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