i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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