We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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