i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
