i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
