Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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