Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this boner is exhausting
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
