So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
