Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i came on her dog
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
