It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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