fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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