i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
