I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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