i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
