i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
