Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
