Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
