So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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