i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
