My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
