someone get that fucking seahorse.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
