I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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