my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
