Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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