the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
