Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
