dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
