so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
