i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
