I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
