my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
