Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
