hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
