my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
