Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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