is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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