it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
