I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
