Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He told me they were just razor bumps!
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This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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