Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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